"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read."
teen jokes
7,444 total · showing the first 120 · page 5 of 5
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
"I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other."
"It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive."
"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.”"
What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?
They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."
"The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."
"I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section."
"They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline."
Three men are stranded on a deserted island when they come across a tribe of cannibals. The leader of the tribe walks up to them and says, “If each of you collects 10 fruit and brings them back, we won't eat you”. The three men run off into the forest and the first man comes back with 10 apples. The leader says, “Now stuff them all up yourself without stopping or laughing, otherwise we’ll eat you”. The man tries, but he can't manage all 10, so the tribe eats him. Soon after, the second man comes back with 10 berries and is told the same thing. He gets to 9 berries, then bursts out laughing. The tribe eats him. In Heaven, he meets the first man, who exclaims, “Why did you laugh? Just one more berry and you would have been safe!” The second man says, “Well, I was almost there, then I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples!”
How did the woman terrify her gynecologist? She learned ventriloquism.
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, “I can see you’re nuts”.
A man walks into a bar holding a tiny piano with a tiny man playing it. The bartender says, “Where did you find that?” “There’s a magic lamp just outside with a genie that grants wishes,” the man replies. The bartender runs outside, grabs the lamp, rubs it, and says, “I wish for a million bucks!” All of a sudden, ducks begin falling from the sky. Confused, the bartender shouts, “I said bucks, not ducks!” The man shrugs. “Did you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.
A couple arrived at the sexual health clinic. There was a sign on the door that said: “For family planning and contraceptives, please use the rear entrance”.
Bob rings the doorbell at his friend Mark’s house. Mark’s wife, Michelle, opens the door, wearing nothing but a bathrobe. Bob says, “If I give you $500, will you drop your bathrobe?” Shocked, Michelle refuses. “What about $1,000?” Michelle thinks for a moment, then drops her bathrobe. Bob hands her $1,000 and leaves. She puts her bathrobe back on and heads upstairs. She tells Mark that Bob was at the door, but he’s left. “He did say he was going to stop by,” says Mark. “By the way, did he give you the $1,000 he owes me?”
What was the problem with the origami adult channel? It was paper view only.
A girl asks her mother for a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe doll for Christmas. “But Barbie comes with Ken,” her mother said. “No,” the girl replied, “she just fakes it with Ken”.
An elephant walks up to a man on a nudist beach. It asks him, “How do you breathe through that thing?”
A gynecologist wants a career change, so she enrols in classes to become a mechanic. She’s nervous for the final exam, but studies hard and hopes for the best. When she sees the final grade, she freaks out because it’s 150% and goes to see the instructor. The instructor explains: “You took the entire engine apart, every nut and bolt, without breaking it. That got you 50%. Then you put it all back together perfectly and it ran better than before you’d started. So that got you another 50%”. “But what about the extra 50%?” Asks the woman. “Oh,“ says the instructor. “You got a bonus for doing it all through the muffler”.