general jokes

"Make cave drawing. It last longer." - Cavewoman bitch

I hope my search for my lost heroin... isn't in vein.

Someone tried to sell me a coffin today... I told them its the last thing I need.

Apple made a bomb It was called the iED

Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible

You know what I don't get? Laid.

If you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach.... Then you're aiming too high

How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Musicians with no advertising budget can simply name their band Missing Cat.

Did you hear about the Chinese godfather? He made them an offer they could not understand.

Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.

Hey Home Shopping Network: We have the internet now.

What's your best "A guy walks into a bar" joke

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith? MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly? *Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

What do you call spiders in the Middle East? Iraqnids. Yep. An original.

*Running late *Light turns green but car in front wont go *About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco *Is late for work

I have a great knock-knock joke But someone else has to start. Go

One Girl, Two Cups would be a terrible name for a bra shop.

I'm thinking of visiting Saudi Arabia based on the upcoming week's forecast It's mostly Sunni

Organ Freeman http://i.imgur.com/plVQyUC.jpg

Paranoid? I don't even know what that word means. I don't have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.

Why did the little girl in the flower dress fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms.

What's the similarity between Bill Cosby and Santa have in common? They both come when you're asleep.