A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
medium jokes
88,487 total · showing the first 120 · page 2 of 5
"My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow."
"I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person."
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
"Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst."
"I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors."
"As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice."
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
"I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?""
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read."
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
"It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive."
"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.”"
"I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section."
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, “I can see you’re nuts”.
A couple arrived at the sexual health clinic. There was a sign on the door that said: “For family planning and contraceptives, please use the rear entrance”.
A girl asks her mother for a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe doll for Christmas. “But Barbie comes with Ken,” her mother said. “No,” the girl replied, “she just fakes it with Ken”.
An elephant walks up to a man on a nudist beach. It asks him, “How do you breathe through that thing?”
"The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved."
Two men stole an entire stock of viagra from a pharmacy. The police are now on the lookout for two hardened criminals.
A couple is down on their luck, so the husband volunteers to work the street corner for some extra cash. The next night, he comes home with $100.50, and his wife asks, “Which cheap person gave you 50 cents?” The husband replies, “All of them did!”
Two ladies were riding their bikes down an unfamiliar road. “I’ve never come this way before,” says the first. The second replies, “Must be the cobblestones”.
My neighbour thinks it’s fine to sunbathe nude in the garden. Her husband disagrees. Personally, I’m still on the fence.