medium jokes

What's the similarity between Bill Cosby and Santa have in common? They both come when you're asleep.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've tripping all day.

I accidentally sent a photo of my penis to everyone in my address book. Not only was it really embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other day. I said "If you want people to see you they can come here and do it!"

Fast and Furious [NSFW] I asked my girlfriend to give me road head and we got into an accident. I guess next time I should be the one driving.

Next update: Twitter will tell you what the retweeter is feeling as they retweet your retweet. And what they had for breakfast.

It's cute how the news wants me to stick around until 11 for the forecast. As if I didn't have 17 other ways to get that info in seconds.

Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies. For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house

Isn't it so wierd when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear? Anyway my dad just caught me browsing r/jokes

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife's trying to murder you Me: How'd you know? P: *sees knife in my back* I'm good

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

What did the farmer say when he tried to milk the cow, but nothing came out? "Time to try the udder one."

You know what i hate the most about Sex Ed? that he's been convicted of several cases of sexual assault

I was looking for hours for my thread on Reddit.. Turns out I was browsing with the popular filter :(

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth [jim is typing] [jim is typing] [jim is typing] [jim is typing] "ok"

How many police officers... How many police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None, he fell!

My girlfriend has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh When I put my ear up to it I can smell the ocean

THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he always narrates real life- ME: she complained WIFE: see! ME: she exclaimed WIFE: ME: she was speechless

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for... Billy Joel's 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

What is a ten letter word that starts with gas. Automobile Edit: not really a joke but didnt know where to put it.

side effects of Cialis may include dragging 2 bath tubs outside to sit in to watch the sunset with your confused but supportive partner

My grandmother finds it important to stay in shape, so she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta, It is now a Ford Focus. I can't claim credit for this one, I heard it on one of my favorite streamers' streams.

World Health Org says that Roundup weedkiller "probably" causes cancer... Monsanto needs to make a Roundup Ready human.