lawyer jokes

What is the proper weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds .......not counting the urn!

Why did the kid with muscular dystrophy want to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, and a NASCAR driver when he grew up? He had a lot of aspirations.

I think it's cute how my bankruptcy attorney thinks I'm going to pay him!

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

A lawyer-turned-cook is a sue chef.

BLACK AND BROWN Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman pinscher.

I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar.

Beware of Lawyers 7 "Are!you!a!lawyer?" "Yes." "How!much!do!you!charge?" "A!hundred!dollars!for!four!questions." "Isn't!that!awfully!expensive?" "Yes.!What!is!your!fourth!question?"

What do you call a very forgiving lawyer? S'aul Good man.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? One is a blood sucking parasite, and the other is an insect.

What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? The hooker will stop screwing you after you're dead.

What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.

A good lawyer, Santa Claus, and an honest politician enter an elevator. They see a five dollar bill on the ground. Who picks it up? Santa. The other two don't exist.

What's black and looks good on a lawyer? An unconvicted felon.

[murder trial] LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife's life support for five minutes? COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

A man's wife and his lawyer are drowning, and he must make a choice; so, he chooses to go to the movies. The end. just heard this on *Mad Men* btw

My sister married a black man He's a lawyer. So now I have a brother in law.

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose... would you go to lunch or a movie?

a lawyer, a priest, and a gangster walk into a bar bartender says, "what is this, a joke??"

LAWYER: Your Honor, I'd like to approach the bench BENCH: I have a boyfriend

[at divorce lawyer] bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen "he didn't" he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

MAMA Be quiet Freddie JUST KILLED A MAN As your lawyer I- PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD Just- PULLED THE TRIGGER- We plead guilty, Your Honor

One of my patients took me to Sioux City Now Iowa defense attorney a lot of money.

Why did the masseuse give her lawyer a happy ending? She thought he could come in handy. (I'll let myself out)